February 17, 2006 9:17 AM
Now we all know that I hate kids, but here's the skinny on marriage through a kid's head.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10 -- (He'll never marry)
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10 -- (I predict she'll marry a 300 pound man who loves god almost as much as she does. Either that or she'll become a dominatrix.)
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10 -- (By the time you're 23, we'll all be married to robots)
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (Fuckin' A kid, Fuckin' A.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8 (They probably didn't want you either)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. (You've got a lot to learn sweetheart)
-- Lynnette, age 8
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (correct child, correct)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9 (My dad checks the dead columns everyday, just to make sure he's still alive)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich
-- Pam, age 7 (Amen to that!)
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7 (Yeah and besides, you can get pregnant from kissing!!)
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (Oh god please no, I don't want to have kids with weird eyes and big noses, what am I saying, I don't want kids at all!)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8 (So you'll be having sex with people who aren't your wife then? Is that not gross?)
( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (Single all the way girly, single all the way!)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8 (yes, yes there would.)
And the #1 Favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10 (I'll always think of this now, when my inflateable husband tells me I look pretty, I know I'll really look like a truck.)
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